I miss having someone to share the work

Yesterday I went with John to the urologist, who again recommended more surgery for his benign prostate enlargement (or the scar tissue from the first surgery). They did say they could do it without general anaesthesia. John wants to try a dilation procedure first, but if that doesn't last very long he wants to find a high-ranked doctor farther away. Sigh.

I'm wishing for help with Christmas. Our daughter and I went and got a tree today and I got it up, but no one has offered to help with decorating it so it isn't decorated. John hasn't been feeling well this afternoon/evening, so I shouldn't complain about today specifically. But more generally, Christmas is too much work to be trying to do mostly on my own. I'm ok with cooking a traditional meal even if I have to do most of the cleaning up too. But even if my daughter will help me some with decorating, having to do the cleaning up makes the decorating seem too hard. I need to think about what I would want in a simpler Christmas.

Trip report

When my mother wanted to arrange a time when we could all go to Venice to scatter my father's ashes, I said Christmas time would work better for us. I forget how short Christmas vacation is for my kids--it was tight.

We did get a weekend at home after they got home, and then flew nonstop from Atlanta to Rome Dec. 23rd. It was really nice not to change--we got to Rome in time to go to the Vatican Museum the afternoon of the 24th and it wasn't crowded. I felt insecure at first in Rome--it is a scarier city than Berlin. But we had a nice apartment and cooked our own dinners, which reduced the stress. What I loved about Rome is that it was full of pilgrims--I like seeing art in churches where it still has the meaning that was originally intended. John had been to Venice before but not to Rome so he particularly wanted to see Rome.

John not badly thrown off by jet lag. The one time he had real trouble was the day we were leaving Rome. We had gone in separate directions because he wanted to see the Pantheon and our daughter wasn't up for that much walking. He got back to the apartment an hour later than we had planned because of problems that required him to spend a long time in the nearest bathroom he could find.

We flew to Venice on a very cheap Ryan Air flight and there we stayed in a very small hotel with my sisters and their families and my mother. My mother was subdued, but a lot of wine was consumed, which makes me uncomfortable. All 14 of us stayed together only for a few excursions so there weren't any problems with John keeping up. We tended to gather in the hotel breakfast room in the late afternoon and go out to dinner together.

My mother talked some about getting evaluated for Alzheimers, but no one talked with me about John. My family's idea of privacy tends to extend to not talking about what is going on. I focused on our kids--our daughter and I spent a lot of time walking through the city doing a little shopping and stopping to look in every church we came to. John mostly did what he wanted to do, usually with at least one of us along. I was frustrated one time when I went off to do the laundry and when I got back John had gone off to find the internet cafe and hadn't left me a note so I didn't know when he would be back.

I particularly enjoyed a side trip to Padua, where we visited the Scrovegni chapel, with frescoes by Giotto that have recently been restored, and the pigrimage church of St. Anthony. At that and several other churches that have relics where people pray for miracles, I prayed for spiritual healing for John.

We returned to Rome by train to see the scenery and then flew home the next morning. I was pretty tired of organizing by that point. John had problems when he got home (previous post). I'm not sure whether he interprets those as travel becoming a problem for him. With renovating our other house and moving we don't have any big travel plans for next summer.

Blogger is refusing to upload my pictures; I will try again later.

traveling tomorrow

We celebrated Christmas yesterday--a busy day but it went smoothly. The new thing this year was that the only presents I got were ones that I had bought and given to John and to our daughter to give me. John always struggled with what to get me, but he used to try. It isn't a big deal to me but it is a symbol and a sadness. I've told our kids that next year they need to help with presents for me.


I got my daughter a copy of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and I read part of it myself and think that I might actually be ready now to listen to those ideas. Our daughter has been happy to help me in the kitchen and that has made me more cheerful about making Christmas happen. We had friends over for dinner last night--goose with sauerkraut and sausage stuffing, mashed cauliflower, green beans, and pumpkin flan.

Tomorrow we leave for three days in Rome, John and I and the kids, and then a week in Venice in a small hotel with my two sisters and their husbands and kids and my mother. I'm at the point where I'm feeling overwhelmed by packing and trying to get ready.

I don't know how much I will be posting during the trip but I am bringing my computer.

Christmas

I'm feeling better; I'm blessed to be resistant to depression. I had the energy to do Christmas shopping yesterday, and it went well. Today once I get some gifts wrapped and mailed my main focus will be on Christmas cooking, as we are celebrating Christmas today and tomorrow before we go away.

I asked John to work on Christmas a month ago, when I was swamped at work, and he has done some things. He has invited friends to come for dinner tomorrow and bought the goose. I know he bought some books for the kids. I did buy a present for him to give me, as he has for years had trouble figuring that one out. I was worried I didn't have much for him, but then I found two books he wanted on CD. I'm also giving him Dragon Naturally Speaking 10 software so he can start experimenting with speech to text. I think he will need a new computer to run it well but I keep wondering if he would be better off with a desktop on a rolling stand with a full sized keyboard instead of a new laptop.

Christmas letter

John wrote a draft of our Christmas letter. It starts off with several paragraphs about how well our kids are doing and our travels this past year, and then it suddenly changes tone. John wrote:

John’s big news is that he has retired early, and this has resulted from a serious health issue. Indeed it has been quite a tough year for him. The life changing health situation is Parkinson’s. One never anticipates such a development, and it was Pam who first perceived what the changes John was experiencing might mean. Pam began to suspect what the problem might be in January, and after John having first visited his regular physician, he was formally diagnosed by a neurologist in early March.

That is followed by more about his prostate problems last spring.

In my part of the letter I wrote:

Pam spent a lot of time going with John to doctors appointments and so realized quickly that his diagnosis meant a change in life path for both of us (particularly as the doctors think he has a form of Parkinsonism that has cognitive as well as motor effects). She thinks a lot about how to put feminism and caregiving together and how to find meaning in our new challenges.

And then a sentence each about my work, doing triathlons, and serving as a spiritual director. Often we don't get our Christmas cards out before Christmas but I'm actually done my other big tasks and wondering what to try to get done about Christmas.