appreciating what I have

I have trouble enjoying what I do still have with John, which is a lot, because I am grieving so what is lost. Instead of appreciating what he can still do, I resent what I now have to do. I've been trying to work through this by accepting my feelings. What has worked for me in the past with difficult feelings is to go through my anger and resentment, let myself feel those feelings, and eventually I will be able to get past them (while if I try to suppress them they will never go away). But it doesn't seem to be working.

I think the reason it is not working is that I have not been able to fully get past my resentment over the things I didn't get from my mother (like a safe childhood). I'm not willing to appreciate the things she did/does give me because she didn't give me things I critically needed as a child. So I easily get stuck in child feelings of "it isn't enough." But I don't know how to heal that further with my mother either.

So I am beating myself up about being stuck in anger and resentment. John used to express concern that I was feeling bad about feeling bad. Maybe I just need to give it more time. But I'm wondering what other ways out there might be.

Well Spouse Association

First some resources:

A really good article on dementia and violence.

A story about grief on video.

I'm in Chicago for my first convention of the Well Spouse Association. I got in a little late for dinner last night, but people were very friendly. The first workshop I went to this morning was on Tear Soup. They had trouble getting the video set up so we first went around the large group and told our stories and what we were grieving. So much in common. Then we did get to see the Tear Soup video, which is very good. Then I went to a workshop on self-identity in caregivers, where we had to keep being brought back to talk about ourselves. After lunch I went to one on How do we cope? for those with kids. We were a small group but we had kids around the same age and it was really helpful. People headed off for tours of various attractions in the afternoon but I decided that what I needed to do to take care of myself was to have a quiet afternoon. Feeling a little teary about being with people who get it.

Thinking about a ritual (Christian)

Wed. morning at a service for the Feast of the Transfiguration, I was struck by the idea that the transfiguration was an ordination or commissioning of Jesus into his full-fledged ministry. My thought was that I want to be commissioned as a caregiver.

I'm not ready yet; I'm not over "I don't want to do this." But when I am, I wish for a ritual by which my taking on this new role in life would be recognized. It does feel to me like becoming a different person and I want to mark that. It is certainly as big a change in who I am as marriage was.

Most of all I want something that will make me more able to feel that God is with me.

different

John says he just feels different, his body feels different than a year ago. I asked about carrying things up the stairs and he said that there were things he couldn't do helping our daughter move out of her room yesterday that he would have been able to do six months ago. It makes me sad. He is determined to make the most of his situation so he doesn't admit to grief. I am glad he is not depressed, but it is lonely to be mourning alone.